Out of the kitchen and into my bra

This week a life recipe to share. I’ve been cooking but it’s been different. More of a chore and get it done sort of thing. No picture snapping, just me quietly chopping away, using the time as my personal zen therapy. There’s so much going on in my life at this moment but everything happens to us for a reason and to help us grow I believe.

I’ve shared before about the lump that was found in my breast last year at this same time . Only info I got was maybe it was a fibroid but they were not sure. Come back in six months and we can talk. Don’t worry about it. It’s your age. I came back and they were less helpful, as was my doctor at the time. I had seen improvement in the lump on the ultrasound screen and continued with my trying to leave out caffeine, sugar, white flour , dairy, and not eating as much processed foods as possible. Which is easy when you’re not eating the stuff listed before it. I managed to do a pretty good 90% whole foods and 10% whatever diet for this past year. For several weeks I even gave up my dark organic chocolate. Till I realized guilt was better to give up for Lent than chocolate.

This week I went for my one year check up on my little lump. I ended my 17 yr relationship with my midwife and found a new doctor who actually listened, who doesn’t use cookie cutter lines like “It’s your age” or “you’ll just have to deal with it, it’s normal”. Those are shapes I don’t fit into. The new doctor listened with concern and care and ordered up some tests of things I actually had concern about. Still waiting for blood work on those. Then it came to the lump. I told her the experience I had at the imagining center last time after she asked how could I not know what is in my breast. Nothing made sense to her, just like for me this past year it hasn’t made sense this is how people are treated.

So off to a new imaging center I went with my lump’s photo spread and films in hand. I had never been more nervous. Here is where I think my recipe for life starts. Planning. Just like a recipe or a menu you got to plan it. I planned , wanted, and desired better care and change. I got it. The staff at this imaging center actually spoke to me about what was going on with me. I learned I had dense beast tissue, which only means there is more stuff in my boobs but that can make the mamos harder to read. Who knew? Not me. The ultrasound this time was not a rush through , who’s next procedure. I was told what was going on and when the doctor was done reading the images from that day he came in and spoke to me I got an answer. It is a fibroid along with its little friends. I am heartbroken it didn’t shrink or is not gone like I so planned and now has friends, but this doctor, after a few mins of speaking said something to me that I knew but had forgotten about. What I was using alone was not going get this thing gone. Yes a healthy diet is an amazing thing and I feel awesome from eating this way. But I had forgotten an ingredient, loving and caring for myself. I do some self-care but to do it more deeply , to really listen to my body and what it is telling me, to take better care of myself on an emotional and spiritual level not just a physical level is the real key along with the great food I am feeding my body free of toxins. The toxins in the body are just as bad as the toxins that go into our head. Like negative emotions and stress.

So I named my lump after my favorite Hindu Goddess, Kali. Most people think of Kali from the Raiders of the Lost Ark movies and that she loves blood and death. So why that Shelly? True, Kali is the mother of destruction, but that destruction brings change and new growth. She is also a mother who loves her children with her lessons. The pain in my breast that comes with this lump is a reminder I am not taking care of myself. I’ve noticed it swells and becomes more painful only when I am fully under stress. I pushed it off and didn’t listen and so the pain has gotten worse yet from what the doctor saw it didn’t appear the lump has changed at all. This lump is my lesson to change how I am handling stress, how I am caring for my spiritual and emotional needs that I’ve pushed off or hidden away. I am going on a diet to cut out the negative thoughts and patterns from my life.

You can’t bake a cake if you don’t have all the right ingredients and I’ve been trying to build a great life for myself but I don’t have all the ingredients and now I am looking harder to find the right ones the way I would pick through the produce I buy for my family. I knew I needed to add this in but the way we are so hard-wired to just keep moving and going I let it go and accepted less. So I am going to sit down and plan out what I want in my life, like a menu, write out what I need, the ingredients, then act on it , the cooking. Personally I plan to simmer this dish (my life) for a while and then slowly savor and enjoy for a long time. People around me know I love to say I am not dying till I am 108. Ok so I upped it a little for those who know me. Six years more. I needed more time.

Now I am going to add a new thing into my physically feeding my body. That is juicing. My husband, as a graduation gift , bought me a juicer which arrived yesterday. This morning I am going to use it for the first time as yesterday I sort of had the entire fire department at my house. Everyone and everything is fine. Just suggest you all have you furnaces cleaned on a more regular basis. I am laughing, I really am. Tell my laughing yoga teacher I get it now. What more can you do? Just laugh.

Here’s a funny YouTube I found on boobs. Thankfully I don’t suffer from MMS.
Little laugh about boobs

What ever your going through right now, I wish you peace, love and happiness in yourself. Sit quietly and listen, the answers are there. Sometimes they come in ways we don’t expect but if your open to them they will show up.

With lots of love and blessings,
Shelly

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