Acceptance and Fear

I had this post perfectly written out in my mind as I sat in my car on my lunch break. It sounded so good but sadly I didn’t have any way to get it written down. No electronic device and not even a napkin and a pen to write on.  Oh well. You’ll just have to deal with my rambling here.

I haven’t posted in a few weeks and I have a back log of pictures and recipes to share. Not like me but I have fallen out of the rhythm of my life. If I even had one over the past year or so.  I am trying to make some sense of normalcy to what is no my life and all I can come up with is, take it day by day. Sometimes it’s more like one minute at a time.

I had returned to my doctor’s office for my prediabetes follow-up appointment. The good doc had nothing to say beyond he was still shocked it came up that way. I had changed my eating habits a little after we discussed the hypoglycemic aspect of things and I was already feeling better. I eat every few hours now. I try to make sure it is something that has protein as well.  That had been the only change I had made up to that visit. He had no suggestions and offered no help. I was a little shocked as I wondered if he does this for all his prediabetic patients. I mean not even a diet suggestion? A hand out on what this means?  Nope. I have an appointment in a few weeks to have more blood work done so he can figure this out.  Untill then he said just keep going on like normal. I told him no thank you. I will health coach myself. Which got us talking a bit.

The same week of this appointment a bunch of very stressful things happened. My grandson was in the hospital and we were facing the fact he may have an illness that will affect the rest of his life. Two weeks later it was confirmed. My heart is broken on many levels.  I also got a call from the GYN that my yearly mamo and ultrasound came back with something suspicious on it. I was asked to come in do some blood work ( I feel like a pin cushion these days) and allow them to take some cultures. Two days after they did that I had to come in to give more blood.  I was then told I was going to be going to the local cancer center for a test. Still only being told there is something suspicious going on.  I started and still do feel like when all this started 3 years ago with the first lump. Nobody is telling me much. The cancer center called and told me they don’t think the test suggested is the correct thing after reviewing my films and they want me to meet with a surgeon. I asked what about and got told he would be better suited to tell me as the woman on the phone is not a doctor.  Um, ok.  So in few days I will be heading up to the cancer center to meet with a surgeon and all I know is there is something suspicious in my breasts.  Yeah, I’ll try not to worry.

The positive side of this is I have been getting yearly (and at one point twice a year) exams so if there is something, it’s early enough in the game that it should be easy to deal with. This is what I tell myself. Like a mantra.

I also started seeing a naturopath on the suggestion of my GYN. The ND is actually in her office. I admit I was terrified after my last experience that made me feel horrible and set up my sleep issues. I was very clear with her that I was not going to do a bunch of stuff and shared how I felt before. I even admitted to being a bit scared of anything she might give me. Happily what she has given me I knew I needed to begin with just wasn’t doing for myself. Now I feel like an idiot as I could have saved myself months of anguish. But even health coaches need some help.

Yeah, that’s a hard one to swallow. I feel like because I am health coach I am supposed to be the picture of health. Not stressed out, prediabetic and not able to figure out my own sleep issues. But it’s where I am at in my life at this moment. I need to realize I am human and in that humanness I am super flawed. Just like everyone else. A dear friend said it’s good to hear me say this.  I started to think about it and then I saw a really great quote online . I don’t remember who had it up or the exact words but it said something to the effect of don’t ask what your illness is doing to your life but what your illness can bring to your life.  I liked it as I am learning a lot from all that is going on. I am trying to learn a different way of taking care of myself on a deeper level than I ever have before.  I even am learning to use the word “no”.

I’ve got a ways to go on this journey of self-healing but I am excited that in the future , at a couple of friends suggestions and even a couple of doctors, that I will be bringing others on this journey too. I am looking forward to picking up the health coach/reiki practitioner hat again and doing what I know I love.

So untill next time when I share a delicious recipe with you, I hope you are finding ways to take care of yourself. If not why? What small change can you do even if just one little thing that can do today? Don’t put it off till tomorrow do it now.

Namaste,

Shelly

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